Hard as i may try to ignore it,
this beast finds me out and stares down at me,
it was born of me, and i feed it daily..
when i try to be wise in retrospection.

It was not there when I was me,
it was born when I tried to be some other soul,
It is bigger and better than what I have ever been,
It intimidates me, like a shoe does a sole.

Can i ever grow out of this shadow i cast?
can i see this monster in the eye and be sure,
can i ever see a future without this past?
can i ever be me, be me without being last…

I can’t be alone in this quest for sure,
those who read me cant be so pure..
do’nt you yearn for re-living the past?
do’nt you yearn… for that teeny bit more?

as i leave this prose abrupt…. i wake thee up to the prose of life,
tuned to your liking to the extent of being rife…
how often do you wake up to the truth that is you?
how often do you cut, the past with a knife?

Chalo is kitaab ka aakhiri panna palat lete hain
Jaam ki aakhiri boond zabaan pe rakh lete hain.
Chaand se chandni alag kar ke,
Chalo is raat ko bhi amavas kar lete hain.

Vida ki baat or ankhon ki nami ka rishta ajab hai,
ghataon ke baad boondon ki rasam ajab hai,
jaante boojhte jo zakhm liye hain humne,
un kuch zakhmo se uthtee hui yeh tees gazab hai.

Jaise kuch shabd hoton pe aa ke ruk jaate hain,
Jaise sab shabd hoton se ja kar nahin aate hain,
waise hi kuch aati jaati yadon ki fehrist me,
alvida ke yeh khamosh lamhe khamoshi se jud jaate hain

The Silent Crossover

Silence spoke a hundred words tonight,
pain has set a hundred passions alight,
tears as pure as nectar wash my eyes,
to the heavens above I bellow…this cant be right.

The moon’s beauty and the sun’s blaze are passé now,
Many sacrifices are mere farces now,
Of a distant past, all pleasures seem to be,
Withered with denial, frustrations line my brow.

Rain drops have lost their soothing touch,
The morning breeze, does not promise much,
Of the darkness within, I paint a picture without,
I seem to have lost what I never had as such.

True to the nature of things which happen to me
I can’t see the good; my big ones claim to see,
As I sit inert, watching the darkness close in,
The darkness which my big ones say, shall set me free.

You look at this person with total faith. You find this person completing your sentences, you find this person to be the gift that you never asked for and yet were bestowed with. so many things you would have to say about him, there would be periods of silence when you sit together and yet things would be said and understood. all in all faith is a wonderful trait of humans and some animals too. i have seen this faith in the eyes of animals ,we had a german shepherd, name was rani, the looks it gave when you were ignoring it could melt hearts of stone.

But lets not digress,faith seems to make everything rosey and it seems to be an axiom. lets talk about instances when a person’s faith is shattered like a glass….i have seen people driven to a maddening rage when they realize that the thread has snapped, i have seen people become silent in shock, some go into immediate denial and still others undergo a 180 degree turn in their personality.

Is it possible to be immune to such instances? yes it is, become a sage, a yogi and head for the Himalayas. i hope u did not laugh at that, because if u did.. it means one of two things…. either you have not trusted anyone or you are lucky enough to have seen the glass of faith intact… good luck with that mate… i hope it stays that way and you dont see the glass break.
The agony hits you like a punch to your solar plexus, the pain slowly seeps through your body.. till you can no longer stand on your own and till you can taste the blood in your mouth.

If you are unfortunate enough to have met with this accident.. my sympathies.. pardon the sinner and spit out the blood… move on buddy… there is no treatment for the pain you feel.. kick me if u want to but the truth is..only time will heal you.

Here is an interesting fact… the person who did this to you will in all probability expect you to be their best friend for all times to come… isnt that cute?

Such are the ways of life mate, enjoy the highs while they last… and if they go on forever… believe me..you have to be the ‘Chosen One’

some feelings got the better of me and i ended up writing this poignant poem… thanks for bearing wid me.

Aas paas, kuch rishtey bikharte dekhe,
preet ki basti me,kuch ghar jalte dekhe,
dhuan jab sanso me ghulne laga,
humne apne bhi honsle pighalte dekhe.

Baagh me phoolon ka vaada kya hua?
sapnon or khushiyon ka sauda kya hua?
salon se seenche khet, kyun ujade?
apne pyaron ka sahara kya hua?

Yun to kai kaarvan guzarte dekhe,
yun to kai chehre,beech safar, bichadte dekhe,
aaj jab paas ki buniyadon pe ek chot hui,
jo nahin soche kabhi,nazron ne woh manzar dekhe.

please bear wid me…. when i start rolling with my creative juices..i find it really hard to contain myself… this poem too was written in the classroom..the tone is a bit on the way down..but i guess we are all allowed our share of blues…its my honor to share it wid u.. i hope u will like it

Sauda

सौदा

ये जो दर्द् का सौदा करा है आज,

एक मुद्दत तक मुझे रहेगा याद!

चन्द आँसुओं के बदले मुस्कुराहट,

चन्द सिस्कियों से खरीदी झीनी राहत!

एक सदी की मनिन्द लम्बी साँसें,

हर शब्द को घोन्ट डेती, गले की फ़ान्सें!

झिझक्ते हुए, हटाश, घिसटते कदम,

सद्मों का ढेर उठाती, झुकी कमर का दम!

सारे वादों की कश्तियों को डुबोती लेहरें,

हर एक चोट पर, खिल्खिलाते हंस्ते चेहरे!

एक नये राग की चाहत करी चरागों ने,

एक नये चान्ड की चाहत करी सितारों ने!

एक नये दौर् का सौदा किया ज़माने से,

सोचा निभ जयेगा रिश्ता मेरे निभाने से!

पिछले सौदे की कीमत का एहसास लिये,

सारी कडवी यादें सुपुर्द्-ए-ख़ाक किये!

आज फिर दिल ने एक पर्वाज़ ली है,

उम्मीद की डोर, किस्मत के हाथ की है!

She died today after a 2 day long struggle with old age. It was expected, but the finality of seeing her body inside a fragile glass coffin was disturbing. Not as disturbing as seeing her husband sitting by her body. This old man cannot walk straight, moves while sitting, and for 7 months now I have seen her spoon feed him. She looked like any normal old woman, thin frame, hollowed cheeks and a creased forehead. But seeing her serving her husband was always a pleasure to watch. It was a token of what fruitful relationships can mean for people, both rich and poor.

For 2 days she was sick and lying on the floor, he used to sit next to her face, driving away the flies and making sure she got water when she was thirsty. He fetched water from the tap just across the road, struggling with the pot while trying to cross the road squatting. And I could not help but wonder if he was praying for her recovery. After all, she was his only support and her absence has jeopardized his existence. Sometimes I think about where their children are…. Almost every time I end up cursing them… and finally reminding myself to not get judgmental.

I have heard it a thousand times now, “life moves on”. I hope it moves in the right direction for the old man. I am here for 3 more months and so would definitely get to see some part of this movement. But deep in my heart, I am not very hopeful about the man’s future.

If I would have lived with a person for this long a time, loved her, shared her sorrows and joys, made her cry only to wipe her tears, eaten from her hands, embellished her, watched her laugh, talked to her through my eyes, waited for her, enraged her, pacified her, broken my back to see her smile……. and she would happen to leave me…. I am pretty sure I would see no reason in life….. no reason at all.

I was a thorough skeptic in matters of the heart, but this instance has beaten me squarely. I guess there is still some hope left for my beyond salvage soul…

This post is a proof to a fact:-

When we say goodbye to someone, we take so many things for granted, when i wrote my previous post, i did not imagine that Mumbai would be rocked by a series of bomb blasts, that the site of blogspot would be blocked and that i would be writing my next post after an eternity…. a simple request to all , next time u say bye to someone dear, make sure u mean it. Period.

a silent prayer for the victims of the Mumbai carnage.

Much water has passed under the bridge since my previous post, almost half of my MBA program has passed, i have moved out of my dilema…..so Arjun has jumped into the battle with all his strength. do not ask me who Krishna was….i thought about it and came to the conclusion that it was TIME, it was a matter of time if u wish.

M too tired to continue writing as of now, gotta wake up early tomorrow,

take care all,
goodnight.

To the eyes which weep in the silent darkness,
to the doors that await knocks in the night,
to the human spirit which stands tall after every battering,
to the resilience of the broken hearts
and to the doves of hope and peace,

i owe my allegiance.

Met someone today.
She is a transgender, a woman born with the body of a male, she was disowned by her family when she was just 13 years of age, underwent a sex change operation when she was 17, discovered that she is HIV +ve when she was 30 years old and now at 56 she heads an NGO which has taken upon itself the responsibility of getting this oppressed and pariah social group its dignity.
The meeting was an incident that would remain with me forever, it was humbling, eyeopening and yes…painful to a large extent.
Her story is a rude awakening to people like me, who are so obsessed with the SELF, that the smallest of discomfort becomes a pain. Its a case in point to prove that pain as i know it does not exist,its a relative phenomenon, which due to my insensitivity to others, became an absolute.
There are many others like me who should know about her existence.

I was too busy trying to put out the fire within,
till i saw her, leading others,in the light of her burning body,
to the spring, that shall dowse their flames,all this while SMILING.